Loving All Your Parts: Part 2

Nov 4

Feeling Stuck? You may have been doing a great deal of inner work, therapy, coaching, personal development reading, etc. and still just feel stuck. There is some inner conflict that you just can’t get through. This inner conflict is an internal struggle between your “parts.”

Parts work can help.

All humans have different parts. It doesn’t mean that we have different selves, rather that we are living the human experience. Working with our inner parts allows us to uncover the most beautiful elements of ourselves that often have been buried in our subconscious minds. When these elements of ourselves are uncovered, healed, loved and accepted, we can access a new ability to shine, connect, and relate to ourselves, to others and to the world.

Think of these parts as an internal system, a community inside of you, that has learned to protect you and now that you are diving into something new, your parts may be feeling raw and fragile. A worry may be kicked up that you’re jeopardizing your current safety and sense of self.

According to Internal Family Systems Therapy, there are three primary categories of our “parts”. Exiles, Managers and Firefighters.

Exiles are the younger parts of ourselves that hold emotions, vulnerabilities, needs and memories that may have been ignored or unresolved and went to “exile” or put away because there was no space to process the needs of that younger self.

Managers are the ones that keep us “going”. They tell the exiles to sit down so that we can function in our day to day lives. Managers can be healthy or unhealthy. Being able to compartmentalize is a healthy manager skill, but constant internal pressure (perfectionism) is a stressful form of management.

Firefighters are managers on steroids. They act impulsively and engage from a place of desperation to make any pain or hurt go away. They may present as addictive behaviors, completely shutting down, or self-destructing. All of this is to keep “exiles” away, fearful of what will emerge if they arise.

4 Silent signs of Inner Conflict

Internalized Aggression

You’re angry and you’re lashing out at yourself. You’re being super hard on yourself, maybe having thoughts of self-harm, suicidal fantasies, or severe self-criticism. It feels like there’s a seething anger beneath your skin. Usually, anger turned inward is a sign that you didn’t have permission to be angry as a child. Perhaps it wasn’t safe enough to express anger when you were younger, because the adults around you could not tolerate the intensity of the experience, and now you turn your anger inward, rather than express it.

Does this resonate with you?

Unshakable Shame

Shame makes you truly believe that you’re bad at your core. It’s an emotion that distorts your entire identity, making you believe you’re damaged, no-good and unworthy of love and goodness. Often, if you were ignored, hurt or shamed as a child you will carry shame as an adult. Shame expresses itself in many ways; the way you interact with others, the kinds of relationships you believe you’re deserving of, how you speak up at work, and how you parent your kids and set boundaries.

Maybe you make yourself smaller when you ask for that promotion, hunching your shoulders or wearing clothes that are just a bit too big. Maybe your voice quivers when telling that kid at the playground to stop hurting your kid. You may also carry shame about your body, and this may impact how confident you are regarding expressing intimacy and how present you are when having sex.

One of the ways to unravel shame is become aware of those thoughts, giving yourself permission to feel the emotions attached to that thought and reframing that experience. This can be done with a supportive professional. Detaching from thoughts and feelings, having an awareness that you are not your thoughts and that the thoughts are not permanent.

Giving yourself permission to choose which thoughts to attend to, and choosing ones that serve you can become an empowering experience. It’s a new way of being.

Regression in Time

Do you ever feel like a little kid in a grown up’s body? Ever had a full blown temper tantrum that would seem more appropriate for a five year old than a grown adult? This might also look like finding yourself in an old power struggle you had years ago when interacting with someone who reminds you of a family member, or when visiting family you haven’t’ seen in a while. There are times you might regress back to a younger self-state than your chronological age. You may also notice that you’re suddenly craving certain foods, not sticking to your regular schedule. You may be getting into a dynamic with your loved ones that is not aligned with who you are today. You may not recognize yourself in these situations. In extreme instances, you may not even remember the interaction. If this happens, ask yourself, “How young or old does this part feel”? Younger parts need to reminded they are not alone.

Perfectionistic Pressure

Do you catch yourself setting the bar higher and higher and then higher and higher again? Striving for perfection is some or all areas of life? Perfect meal plan, just right parenting intervention, the most innovative business technique, the perfect, thought free meditation? Of course you want to see yourself as capable and strong, and you probably want everyone around you to see you in that light as well. When you start to feel like a car running on empty, that’s a sign of too much pressure.

To be perfect is not to be human.

What if it really felt ok, safe even, to allow the imperfect, messy parts of yourself be seen?

When we stop hiding, we allow our creativity and individuality to come out and shine.

Try doing one thing today, on purpose, that is imperfect. Become aware of what that feels like in your body; before, during and afterward. Try to be impartial to the sensations it brings up. Become an impartial observer of your own experience. You may uncover a new, lovely part of yourself.

Warmly welcome the richness your life has to offer.

Ready to do the work to show up for love, life and possibilities with more clarity, strength and confidence? My 3 step process to Embracing Change with Joy is ready for you!

Loving All Your Parts: Part 2

There is always a choice

Loving all your parts