Expectations in Relationships

I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations ad you’re not in this world to live up to mine”

-Bruce Lee

If that quote gave you pause, you’re not alone.  Even if you believe you don’t have expectations of other people, you most likely do. 

We expect our family members to behave a certain way.

We expect our co-workers and employers/employees to behave a certain way.

We expect all kinds of things from all kinds of people, including ourselves.

People often say to me, if I don’t expect anything, I will be walked all over or I will be abused.

Expectations are different than boundaries.

When you expect other people to behave in a certain way, a way that you believe is “right,” the underlying thought is that you know better. 

You absolutely know what’s better for YOU, and not for others.

We can teach people how we like to be treated in relationships, and if they do not or cannot, then we can set a boundary and not be in the relationship.  This includes spouses, grown children, other relatives, jobs, etc.

When we believe that people can grow and learn and that it is not our job to make people adhere to our expectations, we can focus on ourselves and allow others to be who they are. 

This is a gift.

It is freeing to allow people to show their true selves.  If we can manage our thoughts about them and our responses to them, we can love them unconditionally.  Or not. 

When we force, or beg someone to change, in order to meet our expectations, we are not seeing them as they are.

Think about some expectations you have, write them down then challenge yourself.

I had expectations that my children would go to college.

5 of them, one college degree.

Initially I was disappointed, confused and a little freaked out.

How would they get a good job and support themselves?

When I reflected on this, I was totally projecting what I thought was “best” onto them. 

I have 2 graduate degrees for God’s sake.  How could I raise all these kids with no drive, no focus, no ambition?

OY VEY!

My first went off to college and promptly dropped out.  He tried again a year later and promptly dropped out.

My second went off to college and promptly dropped out.

My third finished an Associates degree and often tells me he only did it for me.  UGH!

My fourth is in an Electrical Apprenticeship.  By this time, I had come around and actually changed my own belief in the necessity of college for all.

My fifth took a year off after high school and is beginning college next month.  Who knows where it will lead her.

Wherever they land, however they determine their own success, I trust them.  I trust them to know themselves better than I know what’s right for them.

What happened here is that I projected my beliefs onto my children and delayed their development.  I knew best.  I was the mom; I was the professional.  They absolutely should listen to me!

Boy, was I wrong.  They are each successful, happy and self-sufficient. 

I wish I knew then what I know now. 

If you find yourself continually disappointed by your expectations of others, let’s talk about it. 

Call me to talk about how I can help. 

With Love and Joy,

Sheila